My 80%

Thanks, Dawn, for giving me a reasonable goal: an average of 80% positive thoughts. And thanks, everyone, for reminding me in gentle ways that Life (and its unsavory cohort, the guy with the sickle) isn't fair, and it's okay to be angry and sad and scared and self-pitying about that (in the 20% non-positive thoughts that I'm allowing myself).

Also, I suddenly realized/remembered that I'm not the only one with problems (and, in fact, that although this is certainly my biggest problem right now, it's also not the only thing I need to focus on). From Brien's woman in a tree (Kathy's long story), to other members of my own family who are dealing the best they can with loss and illness, it has pulled me back out of myself to witness the difficulties that others are facing and do what I might to support them, too, in my words, my actions, or simply in empathizing with my fellow human beings and the struggles and successes that define our lives.

So here, then, are some of my recent 80%:

• Big news: my pathology report from last week's surgery came back with a negative lymph node (yee haw!) and 2 itty, bitty, tiny spots of cancer in the extra piece of breast tissue removed. That's good, because they went back in, found just a little bit more cancer, took it out, and are confident now that there is a clear margin all the way around the tumor. Of course, there is no way to guarantee that one cell (and one would be all it would take for another tumor to form) didn't break away from the tumor and hide out in my breast or even another part of my body. That's what the chemo and radiation are for.
• My birthday gathering on Saturday was such fun, just what I needed. The Forbidden Foods spread included raw milk cheese, salami, nuts, dried fruit, garlic aioli (for dipping roasted potatoes, green beans and cherry tomatoes), honey and cider jelly, fruit salad, our cocktail special of the evening (chocolate martinis - yummy and potent) and my own dessert invention: raw cookie dough truffles. Thanks to my friends who came to party with me, from the Upper West Side to Washington, D.C., and I expect to see all of you at my I'm-Through-With-Cancer anniversary party next year - that will be something to really celebrate.
  
• Sappha blew it out of the water at her swim meet Friday evening, setting personal best times in four of five events, including a 5 second shave from her 50 free and 6 seconds from her 100 IM. Someone hose that kid down 'cause she is smokin'!
• A friend of mine is learning to read palms from a "batty old lady" (her words) and gave me a free sample. It seems that I have a very long, strong lifeline, with a few breaks that indicate trials and obstacles to overcome, but the line itself curves all the way down and around the base of my thumb, which predicts many, many years yet to come. She said some good stuff about my marriage, too, but I was too focused on the lifeline part to pay much attention. Um, could that be a bad sign? Mental note: give my husband an extra hug today.
• Finn is just about ready to enter the Crawling Big Leagues, as he has figured out the how-to and is picking up speed. We dropped the matress in the crib this week when he started pulling up. He's getting used to his new teeth, which are surprisingly sharp, is passing toys back and forth between his hands, and has made another discovery, too, making diaper changes all that much more fun. Oh, and also, he's just really, really cute!
• The receptionist at the dentist's office called to confirm my appointment and asked how I was doing with my cancer treatments. I told her about it last week, in case it made any difference to the dentist, and she remembered and asked how I was! I thought that was really nice.
• I have a good feeling about yesterday's New York Times crossword puzzle. I think I'm going to finish it without looking anything up on the internet. Cross your fingers for me - it will be my first Sunday!
• I've made a list of the things I'll need for chemo: special mouthwash and toothpaste, hats for sleeping and wearing outside, gloves (for cleaning and wearing out in the germy city), massage oil (for dry skin), sugar-free ginger or lemon candies (for nausea), plastic eating utensils (to reduce the metallic taste), and so on. So I can do some shopping this week while I wait for my doctors' appointments (see below, on the 20% list).
• Oh, and here's another biggie: Amanda and David's wedding was terrific, everything that she wanted it to be, and I hear that pictures (and favors!) are on their way to me. I can't wait to see how beautiful she looked.
  

Now my 20%:

• I can't get an appointment with the oncologist until next Thursday, 3/15. I was really hoping to be almost ready to start chemo by then! But maybe there will be a cancellation and I'll be able to get in sooner. In the meantime, I have post-op tomorrow with Dr. Tartter, a dental appt next week (I'm supposed to get a professional cleaning before chemo starts), and my second opinion appt coming up at Sloan Kettering. Things are moving, just not as quickly as I would like.
• I chickened out on the haircut this weekend, deciding that I wanted to enjoy my long hair a little bit longer. Maybe that isn't really a 20%, though. Just means that I wasn't quite ready for a haircut, right? I got a pedicure instead!
• My first cold core in absolutely months. Of course, I have been under a lot of stress, but I fear this doesn't bode well for the chemo side effects.
• Our cable company. Do they have to be so rude?

Final score, Positives: 9. Negatives: 4. That's only about 70%, but I suppose I'll get better at this as I go. (I could have raised the ratio to 75% by leaving out the cable company, but she was VERY rude.) Thanks again to everyone who boosted me up last week, and feel free to post your own 80% in the comments - good news will be celebrated by all!