Tomorrow is my surgery, and I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be. Actually, I think I'll feel a lot of relief mixed in with the anxiety now that we are finally getting this show on the road. Tomorrow will be exactly two weeks since my dx, and though I've spent hours upon hours talking, researching, thinking, planning, crying, pretending to be fine, sometimes even feeling fine, the surgery will be the first CONCRETE step to recovery.
I'm terrified that the news won't be as good as we've hoped, that despite my doctor's confidence he will find cancer in the lymph nodes, and then what? Okay, I'm trying to be positive and focus on only the best possible outcome: clean tissue, clean nodes. There was an article in the NY Times today about a book and movie called "The Secret," about a life plan that essentially boils down to the power of positive thinking - if you believe it, it will be/become true. One woman claimed that the system helped her find good parking spots - I don't know if she lives in New York, but parking here is so scarce and competitive that I suppose you'd try anything! Anyway, I was really thinking about trying it (one woman said it cured HER cancer, what more of an endorsement do you need?), until I read that one of the "inventors" of the system, a woman, is the mouthpiece for a collective of otherworld spirits known as Abraham, who passes along instructions to seminar attendees to help guide their life journeys (mostly, it seems, by telling them that they aren't being positive enough). Seriously. I'm having a hard enough time with the diet changes (no raw milk cheese during chemo?!?), no way am I going to invest in some sort of New Age-y seance. (Of course, they're the ones with the million dollar bus, so who am I to judge?) Nonetheless, I'm taking my positive thoughts elsewhere.
So here's a positive thought: my sister's wedding is tomorrow afternoon in Las Vegas! She and David have been married for two years, but the first ceremony was a quickie in a Texas courthouse, and now that David is back from Iraq, they're doing the big shindig. He's from Las Vegas, so it's a real church wedding, not a Little White Wedding Chapel one. I don't think they even hired an Elvis impersonator. Hey - I didn't do the planning, okay? I never thought that I could miss my only sister's wedding, but we all knew that the most important thing was for me to have my surgery as soon as possible, so that I can be around for their anniversaries for years to come. In fact, Amanda says she's willing to get married as many times (hopefully to the same guy!) as it takes to accommodate my schedule. Sappha was so disappointed because she was going to be a junior bridesmaid. I heard from an ex-pat Australian friend of mine that for one of their long-distance family gatherings, they Photoshopped the absent family members into the pictures. I don't think we'll go that far, but when my mom flies out for my first chemo, we're all going to put on the wedding clothes and take another round of snapshots.
When Amanda was born, I was three years old, and I immediately claimed her as my own baby. I used to drag her out of her crib (yes, over the rail) and pull her around the house on a blanket. (I think I remember her tumbling into the wall a few times when I went around a corner too quickly...) I was so proud to be her big sister. In the years since, Amanda and I have had shared the complete range of sisterly emotions - from anger, sadness, irritation (probably a lot of irritation), and worry to joy, humor, peace, relief, elation, and of course, love. We've criticized and comforted, needled and needed each other. And in all these years, I've never stopped being proud to be her big sister, proud of her and all she's accomplished - from her work as a nurse (something I could NEVER do), to bravely moving to a new state where she didn't know anyone at all, to the strength she showed each day that David was away, waiting and worrying and praying for the day that he would return safely so that they could restart their lives together. Tomorrow is that symbolic new beginning, and I will be raising a glass of ginger ale to Amanda and David, wishing so much that I could be there to share this momentous occasion, and looking forward to the day that we will be together again, healthy and whole and happy, and planning for a beautiful future. Cheers!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
8 comments:
So what will Dave be toasting with when you're drinking ginger ale? You'll do great tomorrow. We're all wishing the best thoughts for you.
Best of luck! Surgery is never fun, but I totally understand your desire to get the train moving... :)
O.K. the first message above was from Mike. Now I am reading your update. And I of course, have tears streaming down my face from your well wishes for Amanda. I wish you could be by her side tomorrow. But what an awesome note to her.
So, I spent many days praying, hoping and begging for a sister from my parents. Since my mom had three kids in four years, she wasn't willing to fullfill this wish. But now I am one of the most blessed women in the world, b/c I have great sisters in YOU Sara, Kathy, Rose and Nik... and someday, hopefully one more via Dan.
Love ya girlie,
Kristi
Kristi, Without turning this into too much of a love-in, I feel the same way about you and Kathy. Getting to know and love the two of you has been one of the true joys of my adult life. I suppose you can't choose your sisters-in-law any more than you can choose your sisters, but I sure got lucky!
Oh yeah: Dave toasted with Blue Point Winter Ale and a bag of Doritos!
re: the book you mentioned, i think those are the types of things that still have value even if they get kooky. i really do believe in the importance of positive thinking. the parking spot story is a little iffy, but i suspect it didn't help her get a spot, it's just that she now felt positive about the spots she did get, as in "at least i didn't have to park in Hoboken."
Well, I agree in many ways - it's really a "mind over matter" principle, isn't it? I was interested in the article's brief history of the positive thinking movement, which obviously dates back way before this book. In some forms it has incorporated religion, sometimes it's secular, like "The Secret," but it means that things like parking or cancer or wealth don't just happen, through "fate" or "hard work," but that those outcomes can be believed into being. Powerful stuff, and no way to disprove it! Something I've been wondering about since my diagnosis, when people say I'm strong and strong-willed and therefore I can beat cancer - I wonder if there are any studies to support such an idea (like those "power of prayer" studies), or if we just want to believe it's true. That way, we all have some control over our own fates, and even if we come to the end of hope via medical science, there is still some chance for a "miracle" if you believe in miracles? I don't know, but I'm going to be positive, just in case it holds water!
And of course, it makes you FEEL better, physically and mentally, to not go around thinking the worst possible scenario. And I think I did actually read somewhere recently that people who describe themselves as optimists live longer than people who describe themselves as pessimists. So there's the power of positive thinking, but you still may have to park in Hoboken!
No more making me cry at work! sister love is the best, no?
Post a Comment